Husband doesn't relate to others

I have been married for 25 yrs. My husband's got a relationship problem with everybody ranging from me, 2 sons, his family, my family & friends.

It is possible to ignore or cut off friends, but not possible with family. The part that causes me heartache, pain & tears is that he doesn't relate well with my family, some from interstate. I have 5 sisters & their families mainly. I haven't discussed this with my family although they know he is not a very friendly person. I feel I cannot make them feel unwelcome all because my husband's got a problem with himself.

He grumbles when anyone from interstate is coming over to stay - usually only for a few days, about 2 - 3 times a year. He will murmur - why can't they stay with so & so, how long are they staying for & he will comment that they don't expect him to 'entertain' them. He will say that 'this is my house'. My relatives are very considerate people ( my sister brought me up when my parents split), they do not demand anything while they are with me, & they only stay at my place for part of the time they are in town. I cannot tell my relatives not to come to stay because my husband doesn't like them.

He can be described as an 'abrasive' person - hot-tempered, offensive, unfriendly, self-centred , verbally abusive, aggressive & mean. He can be like that to me at times - but I manage to tolerate him for the sake of my marriage. He appears such a charismatic & nice person on the surface until you get to know him. Being a migrant family, he never grew up with relatives and relates to his parents out of obligation.

Out of this situation I cannot have a close relationship with my relatives. My husband says I can relate to them but don't get him involved. How can this be possible - just meet up with them at McDonalds?!

Sometimes he makes empty threats, like saying he will walk out when they come to stay. Fortunately he hasn't done that. He manage to be just polite when they stay at my place. My strategy is to overcome the problem as best as I can while I have family visitors for those few days, trying to keep the peace with my husband. Once my visitors are gone, I feel so relieved because that's the end of the tense time trying to pacify my husband during those few days. It's such a nerve-wrecking situation. I have talked it over with my husband for the past 25 years but his attitude hasn't changed. In his good moods, he admits that he has to change. My question is - how do I find the strength to cope with his person? I comfort myself that I managed to tolerate 25 years so I can do so for the next 25.

The positive part is that between us there is still a lot of 'companionship' so my marriage is not on the rocks. We communicate a lot, however, I can say mostly on the head level, not the heart level.

I still value my marriage highly & will stay in it even for the 'wrong reasons' - for material & social benefits. However I have lost respect for the man in the marriage. But in order to keep the marriage going, I still have to be nice to the man. Am I in a predicament?
Please comment.
Kay

A. Putting the issue of your family aside for a moment, you need to decide about your marriage in itself. If he's aggressive and abusive then leave him for that or stay and as you say, tolerate the situation.

The family situation is a whole other matter. The heart of the problem lies in the extreme differences in the way the two of you view family. You are trying too hard to compensate for his lack of interest and are putting yourself through extreme pressure. Yes, you are putting yourself through this. I'm not saying his attitude is right but his feelings belong to him and he will only change them if he wishes to and after 25 years, it's not very likely.

I also have to say that many people don't care for house-guests. Your husband is not alone in this. If he doesn't wish to have visitors in his home, this is his choice. You need to be honest with your family without feeling the need to make excuses for him. He is who he is. Why put yourself and your husband through this excessive stress just to have your family stay? You can see them without their actually being under your roof, can't you? Marriage is all about compromise and whilst you probably think you're doing all the compromising, it seems that you're being as stubborn as he is on this particular issue. You can't force someone else to love your family as you do and acceptance is a key skill in a successful marriage. You don't seem to like your husband very much and this is causing you unhappiness. Lighten up a bit and you'll see an inevitable improvement in your life.




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