Husband Downloads Porn

I have been married 25 yrs. Our marriage is generally good, he is still caring & affectionate & we have a good friendship/companionship. A while ago, I accidentally discovered he has been downloading porn for the past 2 years Evidences are removable disks & websites.

The situation is that I mustn't reveal this discovery. Knowing him, our relationship will turn difficult. I know he will turn cold towards me (even sexually) & it will be like all hell will break loose & then I won't be able to tolerate him.

He has explicitly said to me several times last year that at his age (57), sex is no longer important to him - that our love life has 'matured' & we can just hug each other, not necessarily having sex all the time. Obviously sex IS still important to him, being into porn. I feel betrayed, cheated etc that he now gets his arousal through porn. Nowadays he's happy just fondling me - that's as far as he wants to go. When I touch him intimately, he removes my hand saying he is tired/sleepy & want to go to sleep. I feel rejected & often turn around & cry to myself.

I do not want to split. By the way, do couples have to split just because the spouse is into porn? I tell myself I will stay in the marriage even for the wrong reason (social & material). I have a lot to lose if I split.

I have been to one counselling session, was told that I should do whatever feels right for me. I did not get any direction. How do I cope with this for the next many years? What 'philosophy' should I form for myself to help me carry on? What self-talk do I come up with? Could I bounce off some of your opinions?
Kay

A. I hate to say it but a lot of guys are into porn.

Whether it's morally wrong or not is out of my province; what I'm interested in is how it affects relationships. I think it's a form of laziness. After 25 years of marriage, it's a lot easier to get off on porn than make love to your wife. He might even have erectile problems - have you thought of that?

It's obvious he still loves you but you need to make it clear that you want more than just cuddling. You say if you confront him with the truth, he'll turn cold - but isn't he already? What have you got to lose by being honest?

No counsellor can tell you when it's time to leave a marriage and certainly there are no rules about this. I personally would not advocate staying in a marriage regardless and you sound very unhappy to me. If you won't talk to him and you won't leave then you're going to have to be very strong in yourself and not rely on him at all for your sexual and emotional wellbeing. It can be done.







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